I churn this advice out for free when both I and you know this stuff is gold. Today I thought it important to address the issue of bumping into an ex boyfriend or girlfriend when you're out and about, or if you're really down on your luck under your own roof due to them dating a member of your family who you know they left you for. Ouch.
1. Tell them they look awful, even though they look fucking amazing. Remember the first step to moving on is to look at an ex and see a pile of shit.
2. Inform them you are aware of their latest partner, and that you believe this partner to be involved in a great deal of crime. Possibly murder. Paranoia is a fantastic leaving present from you to them.
3. Expose yourself and say the following, 'Remember this, well it's being fondled by someone who knows what they're doing now'.
4. Don't come across as bitter, when coming across as vengeful and slighty unhinged is so much more fun.
5. Make something up, preferably something that will leave them green with envy and regretting ever leaving you. Perhaps your genitals have doubled in size since you were with them? Perhaps you learned how to pilot a plane and often fly to the south of France at weekends. You have a lot of spare time now, since the lottery win.
A cynical look at the world
1 comment:
If I were ever in that situation, I think perhaps saying my genitals had doubled in size would cause a panic. And possibly the arrival of an ambulance. As a have a vagina. You see?
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