Top 5: Things you shouldn't do on a first date

First dates leave you with butterflies in your belly and an impending feeling of doom, possibly that you will fuck up so extravagantly that your date will end up with a broken leg. Don't rule this out, but try to look at the brighter side of the dating game. It might go really well, you might end up marrying this one. At very least you'll get your meal paid for and get laid. It could be forgettable but in comparison you would only have been watching an episode of 'Deal or no deal' that you recorded the night before. The following are things you should really avoid doing to ensure maximum chance of success and that getting laid thing I mentioned earlier..

1. Don't Sit with your date and impersonate one half of Andy and Lou from Little Britain by pointing out a man/woman on another table who is clearly superior in looks and stating you 'want that one'.

2. Don't reveal 'that' party trick, there's a time and place for showing someone that you can not only pull your foreskin around your wrist but also tie it in a neat bow. It's not on this date nor in a restaurant filled with people.

3. Pick somewhere expensive, somewhere you have no plans on ever re-visiting. This can go either way, if you do happen to end up marrying this one then they'll have to face the fact that you lied about having fine taste in dining. They married a liar and that's a shame but it's costly to divorce so shit happens.

If the date is a disaster then use the little girl's room and just don't come back. They can pay the bill on the over-priced plate of grub you enjoyed immensely. Food tastes so much better when it's free and more so when you're digesting it while running down the street laughing hysterically.

4. Don't state that the photo on the website must have been an old one, yes they are clearly fatter, uglier and carry an offensive smell that you couldn't have picked up from the chat room BUT it's what inside that counts. Could be a large platter to share, two main courses and a slice of cheesecake come the end of the date but obesity is a disease and it's rude to stare.

5. Don't give too much away, if they are asking where you live, your date of birth and where you like to get your hair cut then they may be a stalker and not the cute ones that you don't mind stripping in front of the window for at night but the sort that sexually assaults and pisses on your cold, decapitated corpse.