Top 5: Telltale signs someone likes you

In this day and age of pokes and likes on social networks it's hard to understand body language and give away indications that someone fancies you. This is just how the world is now, but we still encounter people when we leave the comfort of our homes and sometimes you bump into someone who doesn't know your name and therefore can't request an online friendship. They shouldn't suffer, in fact use real life meets to your advantage. Just think, they've not facebook stalked you and trawled through all 'those' photos. This is a clean slate. Now just to work out if someone likes you or not, well this handy guide which can be viewed on a mobile phone at tribee.blogspot.com (shameless plug) will help...

1. A visible erection, this had to be at the top of the list. Just to clarify this should be a visible bulge or outline and if you can see the member in it's fleshy entirety then this may in fact be a sexual assault of some sort.

2. Drool, it may not be the most attractive look but you're onto a winner when you catch someone's eye and they expel bodily fluids. Unless they're crying, keep walking if you have someone blubbing after a glimpse of your fine self. It's them not you, honest.

3. Sweating profusely, take into consideration what the person has been doing on the run up to you two meeting. If it happens to have been the London Marathon and you're one of those people who hands out bottles of water this was not meant to be. If they are dripping wet just because they're standing behind you in a queue at Tesco though then go for it, that sweaty mess could be the love of your life. Why not leave the queue and grab a bottle of 24 hour anti-perspirant just in case.

4. They find it hard to construct a sentence that makes an ounce of sense, it's always sweet to see someone stumble over their words because they are in awe of your presence. It's not sweet if the jumble of words happens to have any of the following thrown in, 'Spunk bucket','Whore' or 'Cock teasing prick'.

5. Leaning in towards you, this sort of body language usually means there is a chance they are attracted to you. It should be noted that if the lean is followed by the release of gas from the general area of their arse it may have just been a lean to release that very fart. This in fact is the opposite to a physical attraction and may be their way of voicing how much you repulse them. Enough to fart in public, that's how much.