Top 5: Ways to boost your confidence

Do you find you're one to keep quiet and blend in with the crowd just because it's easier than being noticed? Sometimes being noticed is just what you need, if you can do this without going on a killing spree then you're half way to building your confidence to a decent enough level to get that job you want or date that guy/gal you've been sifting through the bin of. Nothing wrong with being a creepy stalker but wouldn't you rather be a creepy partner?

1. Look in the mirror every morning and smile. That's the smile of a winner, those stained and crooked teeth won't hold you back. Gosh isn't that a sight for sore eyes. If you don't like what you see staring back at you then remove the mirror from the wall and smash it. At the end of the day you can't change your appearance but you can sweep that shattered glass up and never replace the fucking thing. You're beautiful on the inside.

2. Get involved in whatever social activity you can, if you're at work then why not join in with the slagging off and obvious bullying of that woman with the chunky legs. If you see someone protesting in the street then stand by their side and blindly join the protest, maybe an anti-Jew march was just what was missing in your life.

3. Mixing with positive people will do you wonders, if they maintain an unnatural smile and stare without blinking whilst declaring their undying love for the Twilight film series then you are onto a winner, this person will be a ray of untainted sunshine and after mere minutes in their presence you definitely won't want to strangle them.

4. Make a physical list of all your good points, laminate said list and use it as a table mat. Every time you shovel in that stab and ping meal for one you can look down, just to the right of the slightly off coloured and unidentifiable sauce on the plate and remember that you once wrote something positive down about yourself when no-one else would.

5.Take on a new challenge in life, you've got perfect suburban life. Married, two gorgeous children and a nice car on the drive of your dream home. You've conquered the mountain you thought you would never get to the top of, why not go gay now? Imagine burying your face in the groin of someone who shares the same genitalia as you. Arousing.