Top 5: Signs they're cheating on you

Human beings are such complex bloody things, funny how we can grow up as one and living amongst them and still by the time we close our eyes for the final time we are no closer to understanding them than when we exploded into this world. There will always be behaviours though that we can all agree are telltale signs of what someone is thinking. Take note, if someone is rolled up in the corner of the room crying frantically for an extended period of time they may be upset. I have little training and no real knowledge of anything, but let me pass on what I do know as signs of a cheater in a humorous and yet educational manner. Adultery always goes down better with a bit of laughter.


1.Things have gone stale in the bedroom department, the lights are never on and there was once an occasion where they were humping the pillow for a good 30 seconds not realising you hadn't even arrived back from the bathroom and got into bed yet. You wouldn't have minded the simple misunderstanding but they had told the pillow they loved it, kissed it goodnight and rolled over while you were still brushing your teeth.


2. They are always on their mobile phone and when they don't have it glued to their hands it's not anywhere to be seen. It's in their pocket while you're spooning on the sofa, when it vibrates occasionally they pardon you for the passing of wind you most certainly did not commit. They'll be 'playing games' on their phone for most of the evening, let me tell you there isn't one game on the app store that requires you to not only type but take and send photos of your flaccid penis/withered vagina. It's a serious gap in the market.


3. The Internet browser history is cleared on a daily basis. They may be a serial wanker, but shouldn't they share that hobby with you rather than keep cleaning out the online history? They are happy to leave you semen stained sheets but virtually they do a bloody good clean up each and every time, not leaving a trace. You may just consider it something that can be pushed aside and dealt with another day but one day you'll get distracted while shopping online and upon returning hours later you won't have remembered the website and the page is now being washed in cyberspace with the crusty socks.


4. Gifts are appearing all about the house, they tell you that they have bought them for themselves which has already got up your nose due to the last thing they brought home for you being a McDonald's takeaway...and they forgot the sauce. If these 'self bought' presents
are bags of Ann Summers clobber that clearly aren't for you or a ring from Elizabeth Duke then raise more than an eyebrow. Raise a frying pan high above their head and take a good swing.


5. You arrive home early, and find them riding a stranger on your bed. They'll jump up and tell you they can explain, but you've just seen the act of penetration and you wasn't involved. There are no excuses, punch them in the cock/tit and pack their bags.