Top 5: Meanings behind the sayings

Everyday I use at least one phrase that out of context makes little sense. If someone was to ask me what it meant I could explain but where it came from is a different matter. Luckily some of the reasons behind some of these idioms are quite simply, fucking hilariarse. So now I can explain like I'm a man of the world instead of my usual make up a cock and bull story to trick the listener into thinking I have a paid for education. Interestingly the saying 'Cock and Bull' was a game homosexual men once played in the hedges of Hampstead heath. The spelling of Ball has altered when used in this day and age but that's down to a new government initiative, the hope that in a matter of years people will forget gay people ever existed. See what I did there?

1. Chinese water torture. I never knew what this involved and yet would often compare this to many a event in my life. It turns out this form of torture actually pales in comparison to some of the shit I've been through over the years. A bucket, dripping water on someones forehead for a long period of time. They didn't know how good they had it, ever had the remote control batteries run out and leave you stranded on back to back episodes of Jeremy Kyle? Probably not, most people would get up and turn it over but you can see where I am going with this. ITV2 screens too many repeats and drips of water aren't what I consider to be particularly torturous.

2. Crocodile Tears, I've used this saying to describe many a person who can turn on the waterworks in an instant. Always in my company interestingly, maybe they were actually crying? What a bastard. So anyway this saying is apparently because a Crocodile would weep upon killing and eating a man. Insincere tears...from a crocodile. I'm going to use this saying more now knowing the origin, crocodile tears indeed.

3.Let the cat out of the bag. The explanation for the possible origin of this saying is by far one of my favourite. Apparently in the days when piglets were sold in bags (as you do) sometimes the person selling  the bag of piggies would put a cat in instead. Upon opening the bag the buyer would 'expose the trick'. I like how it is referred to as a trick, not only has this person pulled a fast one and charged for something of less value but they have potentially unleashed a very pissed off feline square into someones face. Scratchy trick.

4. Lick into shape. More insanity from the past, but without these innocent and hilarious misunderstandings we wouldn't have such interesting phrases to throw about willy nilly (don't worry I'm coming to that one). Lick into shape stems back to the Middle Ages when folk though bear cubs were born shapeless and were licked into shape by their mother. I can't understand where the thinking came from that a bear cab would be born as a sloppily created furry mess, or why this came into conversation but it may be my favourite birth of a saying if not just for the image of a shapeless baby bear. Awwwww.

5. Okay so for the finale I have a series of sayings all based around bees wax. That will be a treat for you! Mind your own bees wax comes from the use of bees wax to cover acne scars back in the days when the world was black and white. Women would cake the stuff on, much like the shit they sell in Boots for a premium price now days. If a woman was to stare at another woman's face she would be told 'mind your own bees wax', see clever stuff. If a woman were to smile the wax would crack, 'crack a smile'. The climax is almost here, those two were just foreplay. If a woman wearing the wax were to sit too close to a fire they would literally be 'losing face'. I just blew your mind, thank me later.

Oh and as a side note, the meaning behind 'Willy-Nilly' is boring and has no relation to a man's bits. Yawn.