Top 5: Gadgets you need to own (Part 1)

It's fair enough thinking that sleeping with a vast amount of people makes you a 'modern woman/man' but in reality it just makes you a slut. I don't mean that to sound negative, but better sounding negative that receiving positive results from the sexual health clinic. When I say positive I do mean 'you're riddled' and not an encouraging pat on the back. To be a truly modern member of society it's fair to say that you should own one of the following. You should rob, evade council tax and cut corners on everything in your life just so that you may take home a hunk of plastic that'll bring you no end of complete fuckery.

1. iphone/ipad/ipod/ Without one of these devices you miss out on the following:

• Flinging livid birds at structures housing pig heads.
• Updating your Facebook status while having a shit.
• Making a photo of yourself look like it was taken 50 years prior and dropped in coffee.
• Carrying your entire music collection in your back pocket and listening to the same two albums because even in digital format, the majority of what you own still happens to be fucking dire.

This stuff is really important. Buy it, buy all three and a spare and give in to a world of small inexpensive purchases of apps you stop using two weeks after. Your friends are playing 'Draw Something' and posting the photo of that mangled looking mermaid on Facebook while you still play the very lonely game of Snake on your Nokia. Think of your iphone owning friends as having a group wank while you continue to do the exact same activity but on your own to a late night repeat of Loose Women. Same shit, better company.

2. HD/3D/Internet enabled television of course. Once you've seen Steve McFadden in HD you'll never go back to standard definition, or be able to hold a meal down for the duration of the week. 3D is the new 3D, no longer do you look like a twat wearing the glasses with the green and red lenses. Now you look like a twat wearing sunglasses indoors and you have access to approximately one 3D channel that screens for 4 hours of the day. Your partner complained when you splashed the cash, how silly do they feel now you're on the sofa dodging objects only you can see? As for a television that is internet enabled, gone are the days of furiously wanking infront of the family computer. Now you're free to pebble dash that leather sofa like your life depends on it, Come Dine with Me one minute and Come Dine on Me the next. I'm glad we don't have the flying cars we thought 2012 would be filled with, when we can all spend a lot more time with our genitals infront of a big screen.