Top 5: Ways to end a relationship

It's not always easy to break up with someone, especially if they are prone to crying. This doesn't mean it can't be done and in a way that pleases both sides. It will be hard to swallow the news but you know if you hear them burp the alphabet once more and look at you with that 'I did well didn't I?' look, you will take a knife to them.

1. Cut up all their clothes, it sounds harsh but it's always a winner. No self respecting partner will ever get back with someone who is clearly a little unbalanced and no doubt that mate of theirs who always used to get a little too close at parties will also stay well back. Win win.

2. Tell them you are gay/straight, this ensures that there is no argument to be had. You like the cock/minge now and you believe they may be the core reason for this change in taste. They feel terrible and you might as well give it a go now you've said it, can't be worse than that time your current partner introduced a broom handle to the bedroom surely?

3. Take them for a romantic stroll along a cliff walk, and push them over the edge.

4. Whilst in bed sit on their face night after night, what might appear to be sexual and curiously fun at first will soon become a nightmare. Imagine every morning having to brush out pubes from in between your teeth or having a lovely dream only for wherever the dream took place to transform into Billingsgate fish market. You wouldn't stand for it and they won't either.

5. Start leaving plugs lying on the floor 'ouch' side up, when they realise you are doing it on purpose and they recover from the crippling pain they will either threaten you with violence or leave you. It's a risk you take, and if you set up a video camera it will make fantastic footage for those Youtube users who stumble onto random videos with no idea how or why at 4 in the morning.