Top 5: Dummy driver moves

I often drive along and imagine a time when seeing a car drive down the road would have been a spectacle, the sort of reaction Kate Middleton would get if she went topless in an Apple store and not just the acceptance it's normal like witnessing Jodie Marsh pissing herself after falling asleep on a park bench following a heavy night on Diamond White.

Now the abundance of cars has made driving on a road a matter of life and death each and every time you climb in your vehicle. It's not so much the volume of cars but the volume of twats driving them.

1.Lack of indication, a lot of drivers out there believe others have the power to foresee the maneuver they are about to perform. Spend 10 minutes sitting at a roundabout because not one person indicates they plan to come off the exit before you if you want, I personally let two people pull that stunt on me and then drive off regardless of what the next person plans to do.

2. Drive way below the speed limit, these people are often lost and instead of pulling over to one side will drive slower and slower down a road. They DO indicate but never where they want to turn off and sometimes the exact opposite if you're really lucky. Being stuck behind this sort of stubborn driver is akin to having your face gently licked the flame of a lighter.

3. Drive under the limit on a national speed stretch and over on other limits, this is for me one of the MOST irritating things I come across on the road. If someone drives sensibly that's fine, it may be a tad slow for me but I can always overtake. But to drive at 30mph when it's meant to be the national speed limit (that's 60 on a single lane, 70 on a dual carriageway) and then speed up to 40mph in a 30mph zone makes me twitch. Twitch is an understatement, it makes me swear like a sailor and say terrible things about that person and their family. They clearly don't drive slow because they are cautious, they just don't know the national speed limit. They probably think the black and white signage is a lollipop.

4. Lack of manners, I am generally a safe and responsible driver. Sometimes I look for things in the glove box and knock into the kerb but that's for me and the scratched alloys to reflect on.  I also thank people for letting me out in front of them or for stopping when they have an obstruction on their side of the road. Now when I do the same for someone and they just drive by they will always get the same response from me. I stare at them, I don't blink. I say something on the lines of 'No thank YOU for stopping, prick' and then I carry on until I encounter the next arsehole which if I'm lucky is just under 2 minutes later.

5. Driving up my arse, see the problem here is that I don't then want to move aside for you. I slow down. Oh and don't try and threaten me with those fancy blue lights, no special treatment for you just because you have a nice fluorescent paint job.