5 Things you wish your parent/guardian had told you about when you were younger.

Do you remember a time when looking ahead at the age of 30 seemed like the unachievable goal to reach and anything past that meant you were in a care home? You probably can't remember because you are now 30 or you should be in a care home what with the memory loss. I was encouraged to read as a child, to develop my little brain and engage with the world. Unfortunately not all wisdom was passed down to me, mum thought I should face some surprises as I became an adult. And what lovely surprises they have been. She couldn't have predicted the internet and what I would stumble upon, or social media, and again what I would stumble upon. Heck, she couldn't have predicted that dark alley and what I would stumble upon. Yes I did just use the term heck, because I am 31 and a fully grown male adult who uses Victorian lingo.


1. Everything needs to be shaved, a lot. It started with the bum fluff on my face, it used to take me a month to grow a sizeable patch of pubes on my face that looked like I had moisturised with pritt stick and then happened to catch loose hairs in the wind. Soon I realised that the hair needed to be tamed, initially occasionally but as time passed the need became more frequent. Now it grows half an inch overnight and yes we're still talking about facial hair. Once I learned to tame the facial hair (I haven't, I just let it grow into a hobo beard until it starts to smell) I then discovered that hair would grow inside my ears. What have I done about that? Well it hasn't started to grow long enough for the world to catch a glimpse of so I gently stroke it while I'm driving. I haven't felt as comforted or safe since I was cradled as a bambino. Then the nose hairs started to sprout, as previously mentioned I go for the hobo look so my poorly maintained moustache disguises those little buggers. I did try to trim them once using an electric shaver but it tickled too much and I had to call it a day.

2. Your body will morph into something you couldn't have imagined in your worst nightmares. Oh how I laughed when I got the muffin tops, those child bearing hips that dropped slightly over the sides of my jeans. Little did I know I was on a rocky road to obesity and not even the obvious kind. Being tall I have bits and pieces where they shouldn't go. Sod an hour glass figure, I have the poorly constructed vase that looks like it was taken out of the kiln 6 hours too early and ended up melting over itself on the worktop. Sometimes I think my arse got a good deal and it's more plump, but then I look at the rest of me and if that was a good deal then the rest of my body was sacrificed to achieve it. Moobs that wobble, sometimes so much that they ache, a gut that resembles a hairy gathering of half inflated balloons. Oh this is not what I signed up for, I remember wearing a 28' waist. I can't even look at a 28' waisted trouser without it tearing.

3. A household doesn't manage itself. Okay, I was told this 500+ times but it never really sank in. That was until I had to manage a household. \i used to be told that the washing didn't walk itself to the machine, iron and then put itself back in the bedroom. They weren't kidding, it took me 6 months of waiting for the duvet to stroll out of the bedroom unassisted for me to realise that I had to have some input. Not only does the laundry NEVER END but the kitchen will constantly need wiping down and washing up might as well be on a conveyor belt. The skirting boards don't dust themselves, the loo roll won't replenish when it runs out and the fridge will grow a new life form if you ignore what has been left in the salad drawer for 6 months.

4. I hope you like carbs because you'll be living on the breadline. I took for granted living at home and not having to pay bills. Housekeeping was mere pennies in comparison to the real world. I remember thinking how lovely that I could buy things all year round instead of waiting for Santa and I could afford to do things socially which mostly meant spending monies on booze and entry fees for clubs that I should have been paid to enter. Then just like a smack in the chops I soon learned that the car is a hole in my pocket, the pockets are in an 11 year old pair of chinos that no longer fit, I can't afford to buy a new pair and food does not grow on trees. Well of course some of it does, but I'm not going out to pick it with these pins bursting out my shabby old chinos, what will the neighbours say?!

5. You'll kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. This again actually is a common phrase or a variation of a phrase you were probably told when you was younger. But I mean think about what has happened to you up to the point of reading this sentence, was you prepared for that utter fuckery?!?! I wasn't, I was showing my wares to monsters who played me like a fiddle and then used the fiddle to dig my own grave that they buried me alive in. Heart break is best experienced first hand, no-one can tell you how that feels and what peculiar things it will do to you. But a little warning that I shouldn't have sent dick pics to every guy who looked in my direction would have been helpful advice. You could make a feature wall with the individual photos of my giblets doing the rounds out there.