Straight Thinking

Sometimes things happen in life that have no explanation, we just need to accept what will be will be. Loose woman Denise Welch, winner of the latest Big Brother apparently turned her gay friend straight after a fumble in the back of a taxi. Oh the images that brings to mind, it's enough to turn me gay(er).

It got me thinking, what would it take to 'shock' me into doing what god intended my body to do? I better cross Denise off the list now, much like a disposable camera she was good for a one off use and the rest of us gays will have to crawl to bed with another one of those daytime TV monsters and hope for the best.

I suppose a gun to my head might do the trick, to be honest I would definitely have to thumb it in. I flop under too much pressure.

Being paid a lot of money to sleep with a woman? As long as she doesn't mind me having the notes scattered around our love nest I think I could achieve climax (The reverse side of a £50 note has Matthew Bolton and James Watt looking away from each awkwardly, with a little imagination I can see them giving each other a 'helping hand'. Hot.)

Being tricked into sleeping with a woman could work in theory, Hollywood seems to think it's possible. I think about the time I realise 'It' doesn't go into my mouth but I go into 'It' would be the moment that plan falls apart.

Watching porn while we give it a shot is likely to work, as long as it's something with water sports. I rarely get anything above a 90° angle without seeing someone splashed in piss.

Without the assistance of a 53 year old Loose woman I don't think I'm going to get far. Oh well, the thought cost nothing.