Too hot to handle

First off, I don't want people telling me that I moan all through winter and then when the sun comes out i'm still moaning. True, I do moan all through winter. I moan through every season, I hate everything!

Now that we have got the legal stuff out of the way I must continue to moan because JESUS it's hot out! The following is a list of things that have made me rather upset since the sun decided to start hugging the earth:

I have noticed how much weight i've put on, the rest of the year I have merrily been eating everything in the fridge without a second though. I've been fully clothed, I sleep in the dark and when I shower the glass is so misty I trick myself into thinking that I'm slim and handsome. When it gets hot I strip day and night and all I can see is my belly, it's looking up at me with a smug look that can only mean 'You had to eat the chocolate cake didn't you, you fat bastard'

Too many flies in the house, with the intense heat the back door is open throughout the day. Your everyday bluebottle flies on past and enters an enviroment it couldn't navigate with an insect friendly TomTom. I own one of those fly zappers cleverly disguised as a tennis racquet (Flies are a sucker for a game of squash) but I always give the fly a 30 second moment of 'grace', it makes me feel godlike. I open the window and persuade the intruder that if it doesn't take the easy route it will fry. What does a fly do? Well of course it just flies up and down the wide open window screaming 'I can see through it, why can't I get through it?' 'IT'S WIDE OPEN, FLY UNDER IT YOU PRICK!'

Shopping is horrendous at the best of times, as we don't have this weather very often stores have decided that investing in air con is a waste of time. I beg to differ. Not only do I sweat instantly but when getting to the till I find the shop assistant with their fan blowing at them has the cheek to say 'It's too hot in here, ever since they blah blah FUCKING BLAH!' I don't have a poxy fan you ignorant bitch, i've been navigating the aisles of Primarni looking guilty as sin due to the constant sweat beads rolling down my head and the nautious look on my face you usually only get when you 'accidently' sit down and watch the entirety of 'LOOSE WOMEN'

I could go on, but to summarise. I like the sun, I don't like this heat day and night. It's okay down at the coast where you get a sea breeze but at work and at home it's just not right. I'm off to go drip dry infront of the fridge.